


"Like you better in what way?"

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Confusion, Emohawk: Polymorph II, Friendship/Love, Kissing, Legion - Freeform, Love Triangles, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pre-Slash, Psirens, Sacrifice, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 12:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7685245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just when Lister starts to make sense of his feelings for Rimmer he wakes up to find a hologram of Kristine Kochanski in his room and Rimmer gone. Will he ever get a chance to tell him the truth?</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Like you better in what way?"

“Lister …?”  
  
Dave Lister cringed; Arnold J. Rimmer had a certain way of saying his name that meant a difficult question was on it's way. The fact that Rimmer had sat quietly staring at him for at least five minutes before he started to speak only made him more certain that whatever the Hologram had to say would not be easy. The Scouser sighed before answering;  
   
“Yes, Rimmer?”  
  
The Hologram fumbled with his hands a bit before continuing.  
  
“Would you like me better if I was a woman?”  
  
There it was a difficult … _wait, what?!  
_ Lister looked up at the man in front of him in complete surprise.  
   
“No! What? Why? I dunno …” Lister babbled in confusion. He really had to talk to Rimmer more often, the guy was obviously not doing well.  
  
“What brought that up?”  
  
Lister stared at Rimmer and shook his head, what was wrong with that man? He ignored the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him he knew why Rimmer would ask this.

* * *

Rimmer shrugged and bit his lip. _“What brought that up?”_ Lister had asked. How could he tell him?  
  
Three weeks ago, after a night of heavy drinking Lister had kissed him. He'd been shocked because it had been out of the blue but it had welcome, oh so welcome. Rimmer had long since realised that the resentment he'd always had felt for Lister masked the fact that he was hopelessly, deeply and unconditionally in love with him. The fact that Lister had kissed _him_ first was like an answer to a prayer. For one blissful night the Hologram had dared to hope that he had finally found happiness. The next day, though, Lister never made a mention of the event ever again. This had hurt badly, but with Lister not talking about it he sure as hell wasn't either. For a few days Rimmer had tried to avoid the Scouser, but as they were living on Starbug now this was practically impossible.  
To keep the peace and to make seeing Lister every day bearable Rimmer told himself it probably had been nothing. It had meant nothing more than the times Lister had drunkenly kissed his bud Olaf Peterson. Telling himself this often enough Rimmer managed to repress his disappointment even though deep down inside a tiny ache still lingered.  
The pain would have faded if a few nights later Lister hadn't got that drunk again. This time he'd been accompanied by the Cat. Rimmer felt upset at being snubbed, more so when finding out that the two had actually slept in Lister's room.  
Fuelled by an all encompassing jealousy Rimmer had retaliated the next morning by instigating a very loud and very early scramble drill, shaking the two extremely hungover men. It was also a believable excuse to burst into the room unexpectedly to see if the two other men had … thankfully it looked like they had not.  
  
That was the same day a Polymorph kind of descendent had turned him into a version of Ace Rimmer, something he still wasn't happy about. Being Ace had been an odd experience. He was present in his body, but it acted by itself: it did all the things he always wished he dared but never did because he was too afraid. It was like being in a very lucid dream.  
Lister had seemed very taken with him as Ace. So taken in fact that “Ace” and Lister got drunk that night and … kissed - _again!_ This time they'd even reached second base, but after that ... After he was just A.J. Rimmer again, there was nothing. This time Rimmer couldn't just brush it off: It had hurt and he had avoided Lister for several days after that. Until tonight.  
It had taken a lot to find Lister and ask him that question, but Rimmer just wanted to know where he stood: Was he just a convenience for Lister? A crutch he thought he could use when drunk and lonely?  
Lister had been without female company for too long. The whole thing had only started after they had met the Psirens and Lister had been confronted with a Kochanski hallucination. He was in love with this man. He could not bare the thought of being used as a make do substitute, but on the other hand: if that was the only way he could be with him ... He was lonely and ... desperate. So, would Lister prefer a women to him? If so … maybe …  
  
“The Psirens …” He slowly begun to answer Lister's question. “I keep thinking about … how happy you were with Kochanski coming back … being a dad …”  
  
“I was hypnotised, Rimsy.”  
  
That was no excuse, Rimmer knew. The Psirens read peoples thoughts, so that meant Lister had been thinking about Kochanski at the time.  
  
“You were upset by it later. You were even prepared to get yourself be killed by that thing to get some warmth. You're unhappy and it's my fault. I … should have given you Kochanski when you asked.”  
  
Rimmer noticed Lister looked at him with concern. Did he understand what he was asking?  
  
“Oh, I dunno, Arn. I couldn't really have started anything with her as a hologram back then, could I? Not being able to touch and all that. The whole thing would have been rather useless. Oh smeg, Rimmer, I'm sorry!”  
  
That hurt, a bit, but Rimmer swallowed bravely and ignored it. He had to keep talking, tell him what he found out he could do for him.  
   
“Why? You're right … It was useless. But … but I'm hardlight now and if you want to date or … whatever … Maybe, if you wanted to I could … change ... for you?”  
  
He closed his eyes and braced himself for Lister readily agreeing, but was surprised when the Scouser didn't seem as eager as he expected.  
  
“What? No, no way! After all these years I'm not gonna switch you off and use your lightbee to shag someone – or whatever it is you're thinking!!” Lister paused and then frowned. “What the smeg were you thinking anyway?”

Did he mean that? He'd talk some more to see.  
   
“Kryten says he could install something on my drive that would bring that girl from that game you like come alive …”  
  
Lister visibly cringed.  
  
“Tell him not to bother.”  
  
To his horror Rimmer heard himself, almost yelling:  
  
“I wouldn't have to be conscious!”  
  
What the hell was he doing? Why was he trying to force Lister into turning him into a woman? That wasn't what this was about at all.  
  
“The answer is no, Rimmer. Can't believe Kryten even brought this up!”  
  
Rimmer bowed his head and confessed: “He didn't …” He prepared to be laughed out of the room now. But Lister just looked at him with stunned surprise.

“What? You mean?”  
  
Rimmer rapidly blinked a few times to stop some annoying tears from falling.  
  
“Well … Oh, I don't know. You're unhappy, I'm just trying to help.”  
  
“Trying to help by becoming a sex toy? You didn't want to share your lightbee with others … Why would you want this?”  
  
Rimmer shrugged. _“Because I want you to be happy”_ he thought.  
  
“Whatever your plan was, just forget it Rimmer. Oh, and just so you know: I'm unhappy because we're stuck out here on Starbug, which is my fault, not yours.”  
  
Rimmer nodded shakily. _“But do you want me? Am I still necessary?”_ His mind begged, after all, Lister had never answered the question. If he didn't want him as a man or a woman he might as well ... leave and give Lister what he truly needed.

“So …?” He simply asked.  
  
Rimmer stared at Lister intensely, obviously making the Scouser realise he had never really answered the first question.  
  
“Like you better in what way?”  
  
“You choose …”  
  
A silence, Lister hesitated.  
  
“Never mind …” Rimmer muttered when no answer came.  
  
_“I like you the way you are. I couldn't imagine being without you.”_  
That is what he would have wanted to hear, but obviously these words would never be spoken – well, not to him.  
  
Lister smiled apologetically and put his hand on Rimmer's. Rimmer wondered if he could feel that he was shaking.  
  
“Hey, it was nice of you to offer man. A bit weird, but nice. If I get really desperate I may well take you up on it, but I'm fine now. Who knows we might meet a few girls soon enough, eh? There are bound to be a few good looking simulant ladies out there who don't wanna blow our brains out!”  
  
Rimmer took his hand back and bit his lip. Why didn't Lister get it? Why would he brush him off and then settle for a stupid joke about something he knew would, in all probability, never happen? Why was that man so positive? Was it real or an act?

“Lister …?”  
  
Lister looked up at Rimmer: Oh smeg, not again!

“Yes?”  
  
“Why are you always so positive, when nothing good ever happens?”  
  
Lister sighed, frowning at Rimmer. The Hologram wondered what he was really thinking.  
  
“Because I'm a positive person, Rimmer. I think I was born like hat.”  
  
“But you were adopted!” Rimmer surprised even himself with that one.  
   
“So?”  
  
“Doesn't that hurt?”  
  
“Well … sometimes. But see: I was lucky. I was raised by people that loved me. Better to be raised by people that love you than birth parents that …”  
  
He stopped quickly, obviously realising the implications of finishing this sentence to Rimmer.  
But the Hologram had already understood.  
  
“Parents that … what, Lister?”  
  
“Nothing, forget it Rimmer.”

Rimmer stared at Lister, the pain that burned in his chest even deeper now.  
  
“You can say it, you know? It doesn't mater. I know they hated me. Forget it. That still doesn't make me understand why you are so positive. I mean …”  
  
“Well, I remember home, see? My friends, the fun we had. Good memories help. Then I hold on to the glimpses of the future we had. Used to be marrying Kochanski, getting kids. Maybe now starting a new life on earth. Something to hold on to, hope!”  
  
Rimmer nodded: he wished he had even one of these dreams or memories But his last hope had already been crushed when it was clear Lister did not love him back.  _"Marrying Kochanski"_ it was still about her.  
   
“I wish I had hope …”

“What you mean?”  
  
“Smeg. I wish I was you sometimes. It … it seems so easy. I can't believe that Listy, that yoyu can go through life so … positive, despite all the smeg we've been through.”  
  
“Rimmer, why are we even discussing this? You want me to lose hope? Is that it?”  
  
Rimmer felt himself grow pale, a nausea stirring in the pit of his stomach. So there was a possibility Lister could lose hope? He was making him think about that? That was the last thing he wanted.

“No! No, of course not. Never lose hope, Listy. Promise me please. Never lose hope!”  
  
“What?”  
  
Rimmer stood up. He had to leave before he said something more stupid. Because if he would cause Lister to lose hope ... He looked at Lister one more time.  
   
“Never lose hope, Listy. Because if you did, I'd do too …”  
  
“What? Rimmer, what do you mean? Hey, Arn?”

* * *

But Rimmer got up and walked away, leaving Lister alone and frustrated. What an idiot he was; Rimmer had been sitting there, in front of him open and vulnerable. He'd obviously been confused about the strange mixed signals he'd been sending him ever since he'd become hardlight.  
The feelings had been there long before, buried maybe, but there. Still, it was that moment when Rimmer touched him for the first time after becoming “solid” that had brought them rushing forward. It had confused him, worried him, angered him. He tried to repress it by talking and thinking about Kochanski and other women more. But when he was drunk those boundaries would fade and lead to their first kiss and that strange night with Ace …  
Lister had been astounded by Rimmer as “Ace”: the fact that he would risk his life for him, seemed care for him more than anything. These moments gave him all kinds of feelings; feelings he'd had before at times, but were almost impossible to resist that night. He'd got drunk and that evening, when Rimmer was still Ace they'd kissed again and even reached second base.  
In the morning he'd found Rimmer, back as Rimmer again, at breakfast. The real Rimmer, this was reality and Lister couldn't handle it, yet. The Hologram had looked up at him expectantly, but what he was waiting for Lister had no idea. It was the alcohol that caused it, Lister told himself, there was no way he and Rimmer had feelings for each other. So he'd remained silent, hoping things would just blow over.  
Not the wisest decision, obviously, Rimmer withdrew and seemed confused and angry. Maybe, Lister pondered, maybe he now thinks I prefer him as Ace? Lister knew that wasn't true but could not prove it, as he was scared to discuss this new situation. The Hologram had disappeared for a few days, locked in his room, a place Lister knew he hated.  
Now he'd come out to talk, it was obvious what he wanted to discuss and he'd blown it!  
   
_“Like you better in what way?”_  
  
_“You choose …”_  
  
“Oh smeg it Rimmer …” Lister thought, “I should have just told you. But … but I couldn't. I don't know if it's even what you wanted to hear …”

* * *

The non answer had been enough for Rimmer: He'd hoped against hope, but Lister clearly had no feelings for him at all as a man or a woman. He'd just been a convenience for a lonely loved starved space bum. He was useless.  
Lister had seemed in pain when he asked him about losing hope. That obviously meant that Lister was unhappy and he clearly wasn't helping. He had to do the right thing, he knew. It would be best for both of them. He had once vowed to keep Lister sane, and that was what he would do.  
Barely able to focus as hologramic tears streamed from his eyes Rimmer wrote a quick note and then … he went away.

* * *

  
Lister had thought of looking for Rimmer for a moment, to apologise and talk to him, but decided against it: it was late and he was tired. He'd talk to him in the morning when he'd had the time to think. Tomorrow morning he'd tell Arnold Rimmer he might have feelings for him and whatever happened, happened.

* * *

  
The next morning Lister woke up to find … Kristine Kochanski sitting at the bunk table, a blue H glimmering on her forehead.  
  
“Oh smeg …” Lister sighed, he probably should have talked to Rimmer again after all. “Krissie? Rimmer? What the smeg? I told you!!”  
  
The female Hologram turned to face him and it was as if an icy hand took hold of his throat. It was clear the moment he looked into her eyes: Rimmer wasn't in there!

“Rimmer?” Kristine Kochanski asked, a bit confused. “I'm sorry. Rimmer isn't here any-more, Dave.”  
  
“What?” Lister shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to make sure he really was awake. “Now, don't joke with me!!”  
  
“It's not a joke, Dave. He had himself switched of and me switched on as a "gift" to you. Atleast that's what that Robot … Krytin or something? Told me.” She looked up at Lister with worry and confusion in her eyes. “Why am I here Dave? What happened? What is going on?”  
  
Lister bit his lip, feeling too confused to talk. Also, what could he tell her? He didn't have a clue about what was going on either. This really wasn't the romantic reunion he had at one time envisaged. What the smeg had Rimmer done … and why?

“I'm sorry about all this Krissie. I wis I could tell you but ... I haven't got a clue what happened.”  
  
“Maybe this will tell you?”  
  
Kochanski pointed at an envelope on the table. Even at a distance Lister recognised the neat handwriting that could only belong to one man. He jumped from his bunk and grabbed it.  
“Lister”. The envelope simply said, the man it was addressed to opened the envelope and took out the letter.  
  
_“Dear Dave,_  
_By the time you read this I'll be gone. I am so sorry I should have done this earlier._  
_I know you are losing morale and as my duty is to keep you sane, happy and alive I know what has to be done. I have to give you what you need to survive and I know that your heart has always been with Kristine Kochanski. I hope that you'll be happy Dave. Don't feel sorry for me as I'm happy too, knowing I've done the right thing at last. It's the one thing I could do for you._  
_I love you, I always have. I wanted to tell you this last night, but I know now I'm not what you want. Be happy for me, Dave and never lose hope._  
_I love you and I always will._  
_A.J. Rimmer"_  
   
"No, no no!!" Someone screamed, then Lister realised it was his own brain. The Scousers heart seemed to stop and the world was spinning.  
He understood that this, to all intends and purposes, was a suicide note. Rimmer had terminated his existence to give Lister a chance at what he thought Lister wanted. He looked from the note to Kochanski and back again. So that was why Rimmer had talked to him like that last night? If only he'd known how fragile he was he'd have told him … told him what? Wait, hang on … Rimmer loved him, had always loved him? But …  
He sank on a chair and tried to breath. What the smeg was going on? It was all too much to take at eleven in the morning with a hangover.  
  
1\. Rimmer was gone.  
  
2\. Krissie was here  
  
3\. Rimmer had terminated himself because he was in love with him  
  
Rimmer loved him, had always loved him! Why had he never told him?!  
   
“Dave?”  
  
A soft hand on his. He looked up: Kochanski's big blue eyes were like two pools of sadness and worry. If he was confused, he realised, how must she be feeling right now?  
   
“Sorry Krissy.”  
  
The woman gave him a tight, forced grimace that was no-where near the smile he'd fallen in love with.  
  
"Did ... Rimmer explain anything in his note?"  
  
Lister swallowed, he could not tell her what was in it, that would make things even worse for her.  
  
"Not ... not really. He just says goodbye and hopes we'll be happy."  
  
Kochanski sighed and closed her eyes. For a second she reminded him of how Rimmer had been last night.  
  
“So …that really is why I am here? The Android said that Arnold wanted me here to keep you happy. I really don't know what I think about this.”  
  
Lister understood what she meant. To her it must have sounded rather sordid: turning on a woman to keep him happy. He tried easing her worries, to make her see she had nothing to fear.  
   
“I … I don't think it's as bad as it sounds, Kris. It's not like you were turned on to … to be used or anything weird. When we first got stuck in space together I was always sad I didn't have another chance, see, to make it work with you. Another chance to … woo you. That's what happened: Rimmer wanted to give me a new chance …”  
  
She seemed relieved at his words and a little tension faded from her face. But she still didn't seem completely certain about her situation.  
   
“And do you still want that …?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“A new chance, with me?”  
  
“Yeah … I think … Smeg. It's … it's all a bit confusing.”  
  
“You're telling me!!”

* * *

  
The days went by and it just didn't feel right without Rimmer. Lister knew he should be happy – smeg it!- He should be happy!! The woman he had longed for for centuries was by his side, he should be doing cartwheels of joy. But he wasn't and he could tell Kochanski wasn't happy either. He hoped it would sort itself out, as he really had no solution for this one.  
If only he'd told Rimmer what he felt ages ago. Told him that over the years he'd come to realise that Holly had been right. Hardlight or softlight either way it would have been useless reviving Kochanski.  
They had broken up for a reason and she had no intention of going back to him: it was useless holding on. Yes, there had been that Stasis Leak that had brought hope briefly, but he'd missed that window. Anyway Hologram Kochanski wasn't the same as Stasis Kochanski so it clearly wasn't meant to be.  
If only he'd given Rimmer something to hold on to they wouldn't be in this mess.  
Now Rimmer's valiant but unneeded sacrifice had brought him in a difficult position. He desperately wanted Rimmer back to talk about his note and it's implications. But there was no way he could just switch of Kristine: she had at one point been the love of his life. She also was a person with feelings and not a light switch.  
  
On the other hand, he was very worried about Kochanski. The woman seemed unhappy to the point of depression. She had been very upset hearing about the faith of the Red Dwarf crew and clearly didn't like being revived in Starbug with three men as some form of entertainment. Lister and Kryten tried to assure her that was not what they had in mind – at all. The Scouser and the Android did everything they could to help her through it. Meanwhile the Cat just ignored her, after the novelty wore off. Though he did tried to rope her into conversations about clothes.  
After a week she seemed a little more settled: she helped in missions, talked to everyone and was very friendly. But Lister knew her heart wasn't in it and could often hear her cry at night. This made his own feeling of sadness and loss grow worse. The Scouser hadn't been this down since his first hour out of Stasis. He'd been so lonely, till Rimmer arrived. Rimmer ...  
  
“I wasn't losing hope at all Rimmer …” He sighed as he was staring at a picture of his friend. “But I am now …”  
  
_“Like you better in what way?”_  
  
_“You choose …”_  
  
_“I like you the way you are, Rimmer. I couldn't imagine being without you.”_  
  
That was what he should have said. That was what he wanted to say, but he didn't and now … now it was too late.

* * *

  
As her situation did no seem to improve Lister asked Kryten to give Kochanski a medical, to see if there was a way to make things better for her. Talking to the confused Navigation Officer, Kryten found she was suffering from holo-shock caused by too much too soon: Her last memory was sitting at her desk on Red Dwarf doing her work and suddenly she was three million years in space on a filthy smelly Starbug without any form of home comfort with three rather strange guys who told her she was dead and everyone she'd ever known was too. Lister wasn't surprised and cursed the fact that his insecurities had affected two of the people he cared for more than anything in such a terrible way. Kryten told Lister that aside from completely wiping her memory he could do nothing for her. You could not put a band aid on mental pain.  
   
So the quartet soldiered on day by day and to Lister the atmos remained strained and depressing to the point of suffocation. He and Kochanski made a half hearted attempt at a reunion, for the sake of familiar comfort more than anything. It went no-where as neither heart was truly in it. They still felt a strong mutual friendship, a deep connection and that got them through the days.  
Kochanski listened to Lister as he talked to her about all that had happened and Lister did his best to cheer her up. Knowing she was without the basics every women needs he tried to find her things she might like on the vessels he looted. It felt like a victory when she smiled at him when he presented her with a copy of “Wuthering Heights” he'd found. It was the first time he'd seen that Pinball smile since she'd been activated.  
Watchinh her read the book that night she seemed happy. He tried to believe that things would be well after this, but somehow he doubted it.

* * *

  
One evening, more than a month after her arrival, he found Kristine in his bunkroom reading Rimmer's note. He wondered how she had found it as he'd hidden it underneath his pillow in a vain attempt at keeping Rimmer close to him. He had read Rimmer's goodbye to him every night and each time it had broken his heart again. Lister had never told Kochanski the letter's contents as he feared it would upset her.  
Seeing her sit at the table, in the same spot Rimmer had sat during his last conversation with him Lister knew he'd been right; the Navigation Officer was shaking, her face twisted as if in pain.  
  
“Dave ...” She said looking up at him, a tear running down her cheek. “Why didn't you tell me what he said? He loves you!”  
  
Lister sat down next to her, this was going to be another difficult conversation.

“He gave up his existence to bring you to me I … I didn't think it was the right thing to discuss with you.”

She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts, the looked at him.  
  
“You should have … Because ... because ... this explains everything.”

“Krissy?”  
  
She looked at him earnestly, her bright blue eyes seeming to burn into him as she asked him:  
  
“You don't really want me here at all, do you Dave?”  
  
What could he say? He couldn't reject her, could he? He had yearned for her for years, he couldn't throw all that away. If there was still a possibility they could make it work. He had to convince her now, for both their sakes.  
  
“What? Krissy, are you crazy? It's all I ever wanted!”  
  
Kochanski smiled patiently and looked down to the table. She played with Rimmer's letter as she spoke to Lister, as if deep in thought.  
  
“It might have been, at some point long ago. But admit it Dave: All I am now is an ideal, a symbol of a long forgotten dream. You've tried, I know, but please admit it: you want Rimmer back because you love him too and you only realised it when it was too late.”  
  
Lister gaped at her, open mouthed – how did she know? He wanted to deny it, to assure her she as wrong, just so he could deny it once again to himself. But ... No, he couldn't: he could never lie to her, and she deserved the truth now, more than ever. And, he couldn't lie to himself any longer either.  
  
“Yes, smeg it Krissy," he croaked hoarsely, his eyes closed, "why can't I ever lie to you?! Yes, I … I think that I might love him too.”  
  
He told her about the kiss and the strange mini romp with Ace and how he couldn't tell Rimmer the night he'd made his decision. Once he'd finished he opened his eyes again, to find Kochanski staring at him with that withering vexed look in her eyes he'd always feared to stir.  
   
“What a mess." She sighed. "You disappoint me, Dave Lister. You created this and you need to fix this.”  
  
For a few seconds he just gaped at her, open mouthed.  
  
“How could I? The ship can only sustain one hologram and I'm not just switching you off like that Krissy. You're part of the crew now.”  
  
Thankfully "the look" faded and Kochanski smiled that smile again and for a moment Lister hoped he'd said the right thing, the thing she needed to hear. But he was soon proven wrong.  
  
“Thank you. That is sweet. But I wouldn't mind being switched off, you see.”

The woman in front of him seemed remarkably calm – happy even - for the first time in weeks. She really wanted to be switched off, he felt. But he couldn't let her do this – it was wrong.  
  
“What? No way Kris. I … I don't want that. Not for me.”  
  
Blue eyes opened widely and now looked at him balefully. He'd obviously angered her.  
  
“Not everything is about you, Dave! What if it's what I want?”  
  
“What? No Krissy!! Don't say that.”  
   
 Kochanski sighed and tried to calm herself. She placed her tiny hand on his again.  
  
“Please, listen to me for just a moment. Let me make one decision for myself, Dave!!”  
  
“Wha'?”  
  
She sighed and tried to explain.  
  
“Every decision has been made for me ever since I was switched on – and even that decision wasn't mine. I was woken up to be with you – not my choice, I was forced to stay – not my choice.”  
  
Lister shook his head, trying to grasp what she was saying.  
  
“But … but you can't just … switch of again?”  
  
“Why not, Rimmer managed it pretty well, wouldn't you say?”  
  
“Yes but that was his choi … smeg!!”  
  
"No, it wasn't his choice. He did it because he thought it was what you wanted. Everything has been for you Dave. But it can be fixed by me making a decision for me."  
   
Lister got it now, and knew that he'd have to let her go. But still he couldn't: he kept thinking that somehow it was unfair to her and rather selfishly he wasn't sure if he was ready for his discussion with Rimmer yet. Keeping Kochanski with him meant not having to face up to consequences and uncomfortable truths.

“You see? Oh, don't look at me like that Dave! Can't you see? I've been unhappy since the day I got here!! Don't worry, it wasn't your fault, you've been nothing but kind to me, but I feel I don't belong here.”  
  
“Yes you do!” He squeaked, a lot less convincing than he'd sounded before.  
  
She took both his hands and looked into his eyes.  
   
“No, I don't and you know it as well as I do. It's Rimmer who belongs here, with you. See, he left you when he thought there was no hope for him, and he wanted to see you happy. I want that too, for the both of you and for me: I'm not happy here, but he has a chance to be happy at last, with you.”  
  
“But …” He didn't even know what to say to that.  
  
She placed her index finger on his lips and kissed his cheek.  
  
“Shush. Did you forget what I'm like when I make up my mind?!”  
  
“Oh Krissy …”

* * *

  
That night Kryten prepared a meal containing all of Kochanski's favourites and the quartet sat down for a dinner in her honour. Weirdly, for the first time since her arrival everyone seemed to be having a good time. They talked, _really_ talked, drank, danced and had fun. Lister was glad that he could see Kochanski flash that smile so often on her last night. Warm, friendly, happy and loving, that was how he wanted to remember her.

* * *

  
“Well, atleast I get a chance to say goodbye this time.” Lister said, as he walked Kochanski to the small Holo-projection room Starbug had. She squeezed his hand and smiled up at him.

“That's true.”  
  
They entered the room and she turned to take his hands. She looked him deeply in the eyes for the second time that day.  
   
“Promise me you will be happy Dave and that you and Arnold talk things through. Promise you do right by him."  
   
He kissed her cheek and smiled back at her.  
  
“I promise Krissy. Thank you for giving me another chance with him.”  
  
“Thank you for listening to me.” She gave him that smile again, she had smiled more in one day than she had in all those weeks. “And for what it's worth: I really enjoyed our months together back then.”  
  
“Good to hear.”  
  
“Bye Dave …”  
  
“Bye Krissy.”  
  
She nodded and his shaking hand stopped the projection. He quickly caught the lightbee before it fell. Then he sank into the computer chair and sat quietly for a few moments, trying to come to terms with what had just happened.  
Sitting quietly he suddenly realised how Kochanski might have gotten the letter: It was “clean sheets day!” Could Kryten have found the note and … put it out there for her to find? He quickly pushed that thought and it's implications away. There was something he had to do now before he'd bottle out. Something he'd promised her.

* * *

  
The lightbee slowly rose and Arnold J. Rimmer took shape.  
  
“Arnold!”  
  
Rimmer blinked at Lister in surprise.  
  
“Listy …? W … what am I doing here? Where is Kochanski?”  
  
Lister shrugged, he'd tell him all that happened later.  
  
“Back to where she came from.”  
  
Rimmer stared at him with big, confused, hopeless eyes. To Lister he'd never looked more adorable.  
  
“But … but why? … I though … I was trying.”

* * *

  
Rimmer was completely thrown at that moment. The confusing feeling of being rebooted, coupled by the surprise of being switched on at all. He'd thought he did the right thing, but here was Lister smiling at him with … love in his eyes?  
  
“Very nice of you Rimmer. But it just didn't work out.”

Rimmer had never expected to hear that: after all these years of pining things just _"didn't work out"_? He'd expected Lister to be a bit more cut up about that. And …  
  
“But why switch me back on? You could have chosen anyone but me …”  
  
Lister stepped closer to him.  
  
“Well, I didn't want anyone else you smegger. I need you!”  
  
What? What was it Lister said there? Why was he acting so strangely? Then Rimmer froze as he remembered: that last night. He remembered  _the note!_ Maybe Lister had read it and was looking forward to bullying him with it? If so he'd ask Kryten to switch him off again, he couldn't face living like that. He looked up at Lister, eyes filled with dread.

“Did … did you read …?”  
  
Lister nodded, Rimmer bowed his head.  
  
“God how embarrassing ...”  
  
Lister cocked his head to one side and smirked.  
  
“Is it?”  
  
Lister grabbed Rimmer by his jacket and pulled him towards him. Rimmer opened his mouth to protest, but found he couldn't speak, as Lister kissed him.  
  
“Cause I don't think it's embarrassing at all!!”  
  
_“Like you better in what way?”  
  
__“You choose …”_


End file.
